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I went running again for the first time since New Year.  I found a running plan (via nyecamden ) called Couch to 2k which sounded good and I've tried it a couple of times but not stuck to it for long.  I'm trying to kick it off again.  I also plan to note down the stuff it brings up in my head because it was a real struggle to get out and run.

Week 1 Day 1 - Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 60 seconds of jogging and 90 seconds of walking for a total of 20 minutes (ie 8 cycles of run then walk).

I managed 7 of the 8 cycles

It was really difficult to get out and run this morning.  There were three reason - body shame, fitness shame and procrastination. 

Body shame - I'm fat and have been fat for years so body shame has been a fairly default position for years.  However, recently I've been much happier in my skin (thanks to BiCon and reading FA blogs like Shapely Prose).  However, I am still afraid that someone will shout abuse at me while I'm out.  This is a big hurdle despite the fact that I've been running several times before and either nobody cares or I give them the finger as I pass.  (Wearing sunglasses also helps.)  The only solution is to get out there and do it and realise how little anyone else cares about my body.

Fitness shame - I am unfit and deeply ashamed of how easily I get out of breath.  This has made any sort of fitness class a nightmare and hence I avoid doing them, or anything that will reveal how quickly I get tired.  I jog at a ridiculously slow pace, slower than walking because I know if I try to run faster, I will just collapse.  I feel useless and stupid and the only thing to do is keep at it, because otherwise I will always be this unfit and this ashamed. 

Procrastination - I have innumerable reasons why it would be better to run tomorrow than today.  For most of the year so far, it's been dark when I get home and I don;t want to run in the dark.  Last August, I was put off by the approaching winter - what's the point in starting when it's soon going to be too dark to run?  Some of the reasons are plausible, some are just a desperate desire to put it off another day.  There's no answer to this procrastination apart from to grit my teeth and just do it.

And when I do grit my teeth and just do it?  I did 7 out of 8 which is damn good since previous times I've only managed 5 the first time or done shorter running stretches.  I feel tired in a good way and also very pleased with myself and motivated to go and sort out some other stuff.  Turning off the computer and going for a shower is probably a good first step!

I appear to have written about all the negative things this time but I will try and balance that next time.


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